di lantai kamar mandi kosan gue, ubinnya bercorak dengan pola yang nampaknya abstrak, tapi ternyata enggak.Kalo kita cuma melihat 1 ubin, iya, ubin itu abstrak, tapi pas disambungin ke ubin lainnya, baru keliatan pola abstak itu ternyata bersambung.
Ubin ubin itu membentuk suatu pola, kalo kita sambungkan satu sama lainnya.
Maybe life is just like that. Kalo kita melihat dari suatu masalah, kita cuma ngeliat, how life is just completely fucked up for us. TAnpa kita sadari, ada rencana laen, semua masalah masalah itu, akan membentuk suatu rencana besar laen. RencanaNya.
Not that i am able to see the pattern, im a failure. Gue paling ga bisa menemukan silverlining dari suatu masalah. Sampai saat ini, gue masih stuck di satu masalah, dimana harusnya gue udah bisa overcome. I just could not do that.
Gue masih belum nemu, patternnya dimana, gue belum bisa liat, dimana rencana indah yang disiapknNya buat gue.
And everyday i pray, that i will see and understand the pattern.
Tuhan, beri saya kekuatan untuk memahami bahwa semua ini adalah bagian dari rencanaMu, semua adalah sakit yang harus saya alami untuk merasakan nikmatMu.
I could only pray for strength and understanding, dear god..
Minggu, 30 Agustus 2009
Jumat, 28 Agustus 2009
Truth does sometimes.. hurt.
But i've been in a worse situation, so,
hey..
just seize the day, and see what life will bring, to us.
I've got nothing to lose.
hey..
just seize the day, and see what life will bring, to us.
I've got nothing to lose.
Minggu, 23 Agustus 2009
The Playlist!!!
You know, there is always a song that easily brings you back to a certain memory? a song about lover, about a certain event, or maybe even a song that brings back your feeling? Well i do have lots of it.. The triggers.
When i was in my lowest point, i tried to make a list of song about me and him, a mistake, actually, because it's kind of playlist that if you listen to it over and over again, you would find yourself deeep and deeeep drowned in a TRISTESSE...
I lovveeee those songs, they are this tear-jerking-heart-breaking songs that i found soo similar with the condition i was in. Noww? hehehe, much better,but i still have no gut to listen to them again. The reason why i made them, , i needed to cry and cry, and was hoping so much that days or maybe a week of tears-jerking momentum will do good to me. Crying, and then i would be just fine. Wouldn't say that works, though.
Here's my list..
in case you need to cry.. do make sure that you have a box of tissue reachable from where you are...
1. Secondhand Serenade - Broken
This song was like a denial to me, you know, like, i kept asking to him, can we work it out? is it broken? is it really broken? because we used to fight like million times, but we were unseparable... back then..
2. Secondhand Serenade (again!!)- It's Not Over
This song, actually the song that he gave to me when we were in the middle of a fighting and decided to step back.
This song is much more denying than the first song, it's like : no, don't tell me it's over, plese, we could be forever, cuz i'm falling apart, and you're breaking my heart..
It's never over.. or it's over?
3. John Mayer - Dreaming with a broken heart
Yeah, it's like the only moment where we can really forget that we're broken hearted is when we fall asleep. But when we wake up, we realize that he or she is no longer ours, and it's the hardest thing to deal with. He's no longer mine, and he's gone, just gone, truth really does hurt. And it's true, i barely couldnt breathe when i woke up and remember that he was gone. i still do.
4. Secondhand Serenade (yess, i love their song so much!)-Why
This song really describe the never ending question that haunt me, why? why? why? how could this happen to me, us? it's not real, is it? and why do you do this to me, so easily?
And though i kept asking inside my mind, i still couldnt find the perfect answer. It was like ripped your heart off your chest and left this hole, and your life would never be the same again. ever. And the worst thing is, the one that do that is the person we are in love with, that's why you keep asking "Why?"
5. Shania Twain -It only hurts when i'm breathing
Well, the title explains all, right?
6. Avril Lavigne- When You're Gone
When you're gone, i missed you so much, needed you soo bad but i just couldnt find you everywhere, and everthing that i did and do reminds me of you.. so yeah, this is how i feel when you're gone. I miss you.
The list goes on and on, and on.
Josh Groban- SHe's out of my life..
Rocket ROckers-ingin hilang ingatan
Saybia _ The Second You Sleep
okay, seriously, i have to stop, like, now. :D
Just by remembering the songs, pretty much trigger the feeling. ahahhaa.
What about you?
When i was in my lowest point, i tried to make a list of song about me and him, a mistake, actually, because it's kind of playlist that if you listen to it over and over again, you would find yourself deeep and deeeep drowned in a TRISTESSE...
I lovveeee those songs, they are this tear-jerking-heart-breaking songs that i found soo similar with the condition i was in. Noww? hehehe, much better,but i still have no gut to listen to them again. The reason why i made them, , i needed to cry and cry, and was hoping so much that days or maybe a week of tears-jerking momentum will do good to me. Crying, and then i would be just fine. Wouldn't say that works, though.
Here's my list..
in case you need to cry.. do make sure that you have a box of tissue reachable from where you are...
1. Secondhand Serenade - Broken
This song was like a denial to me, you know, like, i kept asking to him, can we work it out? is it broken? is it really broken? because we used to fight like million times, but we were unseparable... back then..
2. Secondhand Serenade (again!!)- It's Not Over
This song, actually the song that he gave to me when we were in the middle of a fighting and decided to step back.
This song is much more denying than the first song, it's like : no, don't tell me it's over, plese, we could be forever, cuz i'm falling apart, and you're breaking my heart..
It's never over.. or it's over?
3. John Mayer - Dreaming with a broken heart
Yeah, it's like the only moment where we can really forget that we're broken hearted is when we fall asleep. But when we wake up, we realize that he or she is no longer ours, and it's the hardest thing to deal with. He's no longer mine, and he's gone, just gone, truth really does hurt. And it's true, i barely couldnt breathe when i woke up and remember that he was gone. i still do.
4. Secondhand Serenade (yess, i love their song so much!)-Why
This song really describe the never ending question that haunt me, why? why? why? how could this happen to me, us? it's not real, is it? and why do you do this to me, so easily?
And though i kept asking inside my mind, i still couldnt find the perfect answer. It was like ripped your heart off your chest and left this hole, and your life would never be the same again. ever. And the worst thing is, the one that do that is the person we are in love with, that's why you keep asking "Why?"
5. Shania Twain -It only hurts when i'm breathing
Well, the title explains all, right?
6. Avril Lavigne- When You're Gone
When you're gone, i missed you so much, needed you soo bad but i just couldnt find you everywhere, and everthing that i did and do reminds me of you.. so yeah, this is how i feel when you're gone. I miss you.
The list goes on and on, and on.
Josh Groban- SHe's out of my life..
Rocket ROckers-ingin hilang ingatan
Saybia _ The Second You Sleep
okay, seriously, i have to stop, like, now. :D
Just by remembering the songs, pretty much trigger the feeling. ahahhaa.
What about you?
Kamis, 13 Agustus 2009
me. wanna.
Oke, sekarang jam 12 malem lebih 1 menit, dan tugas paper MKP gue, halaman pendahuluan aja belum jadi, but i got this little sumthin that's been bugging me lately.
Shallow, but i have to admit..
how i missed dimanja seseorang.
kangen seseorang.
ngomong babytalk *yep, i did it sometimes with my ex, ketika cuma ada kita berdua*
you know, cuma bersama seseorang special yang lo tau bahwa dia ada buat lo, nemenin lo, dan nyaman ajaa.
*seseorang disini ga refers ke orang tertentu yaa*
Maybe, im just being over sensitive. Dengan semua tugas tugas brengsek ini, kondisi badan yang lagi ga fit, daaan.. oh, shit. this just sucks.
KEPEEEEETT emang tugaaaaassss2 ini, huhuhu..
+mewek+
Shallow, but i have to admit..
how i missed dimanja seseorang.
kangen seseorang.
ngomong babytalk *yep, i did it sometimes with my ex, ketika cuma ada kita berdua*
you know, cuma bersama seseorang special yang lo tau bahwa dia ada buat lo, nemenin lo, dan nyaman ajaa.
*seseorang disini ga refers ke orang tertentu yaa*
Maybe, im just being over sensitive. Dengan semua tugas tugas brengsek ini, kondisi badan yang lagi ga fit, daaan.. oh, shit. this just sucks.
KEPEEEEETT emang tugaaaaassss2 ini, huhuhu..
+mewek+
Minggu, 09 Agustus 2009
Cengo di Kondangan
Sejujurnya, gue rada menyesal bela-belain pulang ke Malang kemaren.
Jadi gini, tgl 1 Agustus kemaren, gue dapet undangan kawinan dari temen gue, Otek. Tanggal 8, gue dapet undangan juga dari temen gue, Mey. Sempet bingung, mu pulang tanggal berapa. Mengingat Mey adalah temen gue deket dan gue dapet bahan kebaya gratis (D'oh). Oke, gue putuskan pulang tanggal 8 dan dateng ke kondangan Mey sebagai Pagar Ayu, instead of dateng ke kawinan Otek sebagai tamu.
Yang gue ga tau, itu bahan kebaya ternyata bukan buat pagar ayu. Itu bahan kebaya buat sahabat2 deket dia. Gue dan Chizta, dan ga tau ada beberapa cewek laen yang i dont even know their names tapi gue mesti foto2 sok akrab ma mereka for the sake of "keliatan bagus difoto". Matching kebaya.
Si Mey ini, dapet suami anak pejabat, so pasti Resepsinya mewah abis. Fotografernya aja ada banyak, candid, beneran, gue sampe bingunggggg. Pose di pelaminan ada kali 12 kalian sekali nemplok. Jadi aja gue rada tertahan di Pelaminan bersama gadis2 itu.
And i feel like an outsider.
Gue temen dekat Mey, tapi gue ga tau siapa mereka. Iya, gue emang temen yang buruk. Lingkungan gue ma mereka itu. BEDA. Semenjak lulus SD, Mey dan gue ga pernah satu sekolah. Kita tetep kontak, tetep akrab, tapi sejujurnya, gue ga tau temen2 dia di SMP, SMA, Kuliah, siapa aja. Kalo Che, karena dia satu SMP dan masih sama2 kuliah di Malang, masih nyambunglah dengan para gadis itu. Lah gue? completely outsider.
Daripada gue nganggur, gue putuskan untuk menjelajah hunting makanan. Asli, mewah banget. Segala macem makanan, u name it, pasti ada. Poffertjes, Takoyaki, crepes, Martabak, kambing guling, steamboat, chocolate fondue, batagor bandung, soto lamongan, sate, steak, Chicken Cordon bleu, capek nulis nama2 makanannya. BANYAAAK. Malah ada minibar segala. beugh.
Mewah. Rame. Glamor.
But not my kind of wedding.
Tadinya gue pikir, a glam wedding bakalan menyenangkan. Bunga, Lampu, Makanan berlimpah, banyak orang.. a one-night-princess. Impian semua cewek.
But thanks to Mey, i finally realize what i really want in my wedding.
Orang orang yang gue sayang, dan sayang gue. Mereka yang stand still, pas gue jatoh, pas gue ada mesalah, mereka yang bener2 gue kenal, kenal gue, dan mereka yang cuma dengan mengingatnya, bisa bikin hati gue hangat. Family. Friends.
Dan gue ga peduli biarpun yang dateng cuma 20 orang, tapi selama mereka dateng dan tersenyum buat gue, that is all that matters. Mereka tamu tamu gue. Mereka, my circle. Dan gue ga mau, mereka merasa jadi outsider di pesta gue. I want it to be intimate, private, dan hangat.
Itu, yang gue bener2 pengen.
Jadi gini, tgl 1 Agustus kemaren, gue dapet undangan kawinan dari temen gue, Otek. Tanggal 8, gue dapet undangan juga dari temen gue, Mey. Sempet bingung, mu pulang tanggal berapa. Mengingat Mey adalah temen gue deket dan gue dapet bahan kebaya gratis (D'oh). Oke, gue putuskan pulang tanggal 8 dan dateng ke kondangan Mey sebagai Pagar Ayu, instead of dateng ke kawinan Otek sebagai tamu.
Yang gue ga tau, itu bahan kebaya ternyata bukan buat pagar ayu. Itu bahan kebaya buat sahabat2 deket dia. Gue dan Chizta, dan ga tau ada beberapa cewek laen yang i dont even know their names tapi gue mesti foto2 sok akrab ma mereka for the sake of "keliatan bagus difoto". Matching kebaya.
Si Mey ini, dapet suami anak pejabat, so pasti Resepsinya mewah abis. Fotografernya aja ada banyak, candid, beneran, gue sampe bingunggggg. Pose di pelaminan ada kali 12 kalian sekali nemplok. Jadi aja gue rada tertahan di Pelaminan bersama gadis2 itu.
And i feel like an outsider.
Gue temen dekat Mey, tapi gue ga tau siapa mereka. Iya, gue emang temen yang buruk. Lingkungan gue ma mereka itu. BEDA. Semenjak lulus SD, Mey dan gue ga pernah satu sekolah. Kita tetep kontak, tetep akrab, tapi sejujurnya, gue ga tau temen2 dia di SMP, SMA, Kuliah, siapa aja. Kalo Che, karena dia satu SMP dan masih sama2 kuliah di Malang, masih nyambunglah dengan para gadis itu. Lah gue? completely outsider.
Daripada gue nganggur, gue putuskan untuk menjelajah hunting makanan. Asli, mewah banget. Segala macem makanan, u name it, pasti ada. Poffertjes, Takoyaki, crepes, Martabak, kambing guling, steamboat, chocolate fondue, batagor bandung, soto lamongan, sate, steak, Chicken Cordon bleu, capek nulis nama2 makanannya. BANYAAAK. Malah ada minibar segala. beugh.
Mewah. Rame. Glamor.
But not my kind of wedding.
Tadinya gue pikir, a glam wedding bakalan menyenangkan. Bunga, Lampu, Makanan berlimpah, banyak orang.. a one-night-princess. Impian semua cewek.
But thanks to Mey, i finally realize what i really want in my wedding.
Orang orang yang gue sayang, dan sayang gue. Mereka yang stand still, pas gue jatoh, pas gue ada mesalah, mereka yang bener2 gue kenal, kenal gue, dan mereka yang cuma dengan mengingatnya, bisa bikin hati gue hangat. Family. Friends.
Dan gue ga peduli biarpun yang dateng cuma 20 orang, tapi selama mereka dateng dan tersenyum buat gue, that is all that matters. Mereka tamu tamu gue. Mereka, my circle. Dan gue ga mau, mereka merasa jadi outsider di pesta gue. I want it to be intimate, private, dan hangat.
Itu, yang gue bener2 pengen.
Sabtu, 08 Agustus 2009
Suicidal mood
Pagi dingin,setengah berkabut.
Rumput basah, dan nafas terhampar di udara seperti asap.
Di tengah hiruk dan pikuk, kau tidak tergesa, tak juga terjaga.
Hanya kesadaran akan eksistensi, berpijak pada bumi.
Menunggu, menunggu walaupun tahu, selamanya tak akan datang dirimu padaku.
Di bangku yang sama.
Menunggu flight sore Mandala 0385.
Setahun lepas ke belakang.
Bagaimana caramu menyelipkan memori memori keparat ini?
What a beautiful morning. And im choked by this sudden urge to start bumping at the nearest car.
Rumput basah, dan nafas terhampar di udara seperti asap.
Di tengah hiruk dan pikuk, kau tidak tergesa, tak juga terjaga.
Hanya kesadaran akan eksistensi, berpijak pada bumi.
Menunggu, menunggu walaupun tahu, selamanya tak akan datang dirimu padaku.
Di bangku yang sama.
Menunggu flight sore Mandala 0385.
Setahun lepas ke belakang.
Bagaimana caramu menyelipkan memori memori keparat ini?
What a beautiful morning. And im choked by this sudden urge to start bumping at the nearest car.
Suicidal mood
Pagi dingin,setengah berkabut.
Rumput basah, dan nafas terhampar di udara seperti asap.
Di tengah hiruk dan pikuk, kau tidak tergesa, tak juga terjaga.
Hanya kesadaran akan eksistensi, berpijak pada bumi.
Menunggu, menunggu walaupun tahu, selamanya tak akan datang dirimu padaku.
Di bangku yang sama.
Menunggu flight sore Mandala 0385.
Setahun lepas ke belakang.
Bagaimana caramu menyelipkan memori memori keparat ini?
What a beautiful morning. And im choked by this sudden urge to start bumping at the nearest car.
Rumput basah, dan nafas terhampar di udara seperti asap.
Di tengah hiruk dan pikuk, kau tidak tergesa, tak juga terjaga.
Hanya kesadaran akan eksistensi, berpijak pada bumi.
Menunggu, menunggu walaupun tahu, selamanya tak akan datang dirimu padaku.
Di bangku yang sama.
Menunggu flight sore Mandala 0385.
Setahun lepas ke belakang.
Bagaimana caramu menyelipkan memori memori keparat ini?
What a beautiful morning. And im choked by this sudden urge to start bumping at the nearest car.
Minggu, 02 Agustus 2009
Dia yang sayang kamu,
Adalah dia yang tetep ngotot bilang kamu cantik padahal kamu belum mandi seharian dan bau jigong.
Adalah dia yang tersenyum pas kamu bertingkah tolol dan bodoh, and calling it's cute.
Adalah dia yang selalu ada disaat kamu menangis, kamu tertawa, dan menunggu dengan sabar disaat kamu ingin sendiri.
Adalah dia yang marah disaat kamu ngotot kopi itu cukup edible sebagai sarapan.
Adalah dia yang rela menempuh jarak jauh untuk melihatmu, memastikan kamu baik baik saja.
Adalah dia yang menawarkan bahunya disaat kamu menangis, disaat kamu ingin manja, disaat kamu cape, disaat kamu ngantuk, well, when you just need it, kapanpun itu.
Adalah dia yang selalu menerima semua polahmu dengan sabar, dengan senyum, dengan tulus, dan kamu langsung tau itu tulus, it's written in his eyes.
Adalah dia yang pertama kali berlari, menangkapmu disaat kamu jatuh.
Adalah dia yang tau pasti, kapan kamu sedih, kapan kamu senang, kapan kamu pura2 senang, dan somehow, bisa membuatmu merasa tenang, just by touching your head and smiling at you.
And it will be the most heartbreaking thing to me, if i fail to love him back.
I am sorry, in advance.
Adalah dia yang tersenyum pas kamu bertingkah tolol dan bodoh, and calling it's cute.
Adalah dia yang selalu ada disaat kamu menangis, kamu tertawa, dan menunggu dengan sabar disaat kamu ingin sendiri.
Adalah dia yang marah disaat kamu ngotot kopi itu cukup edible sebagai sarapan.
Adalah dia yang rela menempuh jarak jauh untuk melihatmu, memastikan kamu baik baik saja.
Adalah dia yang menawarkan bahunya disaat kamu menangis, disaat kamu ingin manja, disaat kamu cape, disaat kamu ngantuk, well, when you just need it, kapanpun itu.
Adalah dia yang selalu menerima semua polahmu dengan sabar, dengan senyum, dengan tulus, dan kamu langsung tau itu tulus, it's written in his eyes.
Adalah dia yang pertama kali berlari, menangkapmu disaat kamu jatuh.
Adalah dia yang tau pasti, kapan kamu sedih, kapan kamu senang, kapan kamu pura2 senang, dan somehow, bisa membuatmu merasa tenang, just by touching your head and smiling at you.
And it will be the most heartbreaking thing to me, if i fail to love him back.
I am sorry, in advance.
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