pop up.

Di taksi, sepulang dari acara ngopi ngopi bersama temen temen SMA, seperti biasa aku tenggelam dalam pikiran pikiran labil dan anehku tentang apa yang benar benar kuinginkan untuk masa depanku.

You know what?
Kalo saja aku hidup sendirian saja, ingin rasanya egois dan membuang semua, semua mimpi yang berkaitan dengan orang lain.
I was once having this silly dream of young marriage, finishing master ASAP, then quitting my job dan menjadi ibu dengan pendidikan S2 yang dengan baik hati rajin dan sholehah merawat dan mendidik anak anaknya. Living in definitely-not-Jakarta-city. Sangat sangat idealis. Those were ours.

You know what?
I gave up on them. I hate the dream. Not that i dont wanna be mother, a good mother.
But hell yeah, i've such a heavy burden right now, and i cant help watching those dreams sinking. Titanic. and it hurts like hell.

And since then, I am afraid of making a dream attached to somebody.
everytime this silly little thought of settling down and living, its like im torn in two. Hell yeah, i desperately want to be in those comfort zone, i am so tired of facing anything alone, wrestling with all of my secrets, problems, pains, tears, alone. I want to be in somebody's arm. loved and cared, and i have to admit, i wanted them so badly i might have mistaken forcing too much. :-)

But on the other side, it scared me to death, and i keep pushing it everytime it comes into surface. Yet i still cant help spoiling it again and again, permitting myself to daringly dream of sharing future again. Failure.

you know what, just for fun..
Now, if i close my eyes and think of a place i really want to be.
i think of Europe. Japan. Africa. Anything but Indonesia. I want to be in some place where nobody know you before, nobody judge you, nobody have this nyinyir thought, nobody pay attention to what you do or what you want to do.
I want to travel around the world and get paid. i want to meet those pretty people, be in pretty places. breathe in another air, another whole new environment. I want to live in Greece. I want to teach math to these children of african tribe, i want to float in a dead sea, i want to see Mardi Gras, live, i want to see snow falling on the street, i want to see world.




I want to wake up every morning thinking what next, what kind of exciting adventure im about to dive in,i want to live, for real.
A personel, single, crazy thought of me alone.



But then again, this is just a dream. :-)
A selfish dream.